


Dearest

by americanphancakes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dan has an on-screen makeout with someone who's not Phil, F/M, Feelings Realization, Jealousy, M/M, Valentine's Day, angst-adjacent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-18 23:08:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13691760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americanphancakes/pseuds/americanphancakes
Summary: On Valentine's Day, Dan surprises Phil with the news that he's been casually seeing a girl for about 6 months.Jealousy and the denial thereof ensues.





	Dearest

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, it took me until 2 AM on February 15th, but I got my first real one-shot done for Valentine's Day!
> 
> I know, it’s late. But I have a day job and you guys all gave me so much good stuff to read today! It wasn’t possible to get this done before the 14th was over!
> 
> Enjoy the cringe angst and cheesy joy. This is definitely not art, but it was fun to write. :)

“Wanna watch the new X-Files? We missed it last week.”

 

Dan paused, his mouth open. “Oh yeah… um. I can’t.”

 

Phil tilted his head ever so slightly, curious and concerned. Maybe Dan was having a bad depression day and needed to get out. It was Valentine’s Day, after all, and Dan was technically single. “You feeling okay?”

 

“I uh… I have a date tonight, actually.”

 

“You… wait, what?”

 

“I’m going on a date. Tonight.” Dan sounded mostly cheerful, but his face was painted with a slapdash coat of guilt. “Sorry, I should have let you know earlier.”

 

“Oh. No, that’s… that’s great... for you.” Phil was a bit disoriented. His emotions stood around inside his head unsure of who among them should step forward.

 

Dan cracked a small but genuine smile. “I know, I know, I actually socialized. Incredible, right?”

 

Phil did some mental arithmetic. If Dan had a date on Valentine’s Day, it had to have been planned a long time ago. That’s just how Valentine’s Day was. If you want to leave the house and go anywhere date-appropriate, it required reservations or tickets or strategic route mapping and transport scheduling in, like, November. Suddenly he felt a bit betrayed. Dan had clearly been seeing someone for months already, and he didn’t tell  _ him _ ? His  _ best friend _ ?

 

“How long have you… I mean, who… When were y--” Phil cut himself off, the million questions he had all trying to crowd out of his mouth at once.

 

“She’s just this girl I met at Asda awhile back,” Dan explained, his tone beginning to dip into defensive territory. He began to find it difficult to look Phil in the eye.

 

“You’re going out  _ tonight _ though. You had to have met her ages ago.”

 

Dan’s guilty face was looking a bit less casual now. He bit the inside of his cheek.

 

“I’ve been chatting with her and just sorta sporadically meeting her for coffee since, like… September.”

 

Phil blinked. “September!?”

 

“I know I should have told you about her, but I wasn’t sure if it was going to go anywhere until recently.”

 

Phil closed his eyes, a bunch of jigsaw pieces coming together all of a sudden. “She’s who you were texting on New Year’s.”

 

“Yeah… Look, I know hiding something like a girlfriend was probably a dick move, but I mean… we talk online mostly. It never interfered with you and me hanging out before. It just didn’t occur to me to tell you.”

 

“It never interfered? Dan, I’ve been worried about you being depressed for months because you seemed so distracted and… and… just… absent! I thought you were in a bad place, or at least angry with me or something!”

 

“I’m sorry,” Dan said quietly, the guilt really taking over now.

 

“I had no idea what was wrong or what I could do. Do you know how much I’ve been worried about you? How could you just not say a word and  _ let _ me worry?!” Phil’s voice had steadily risen to the point where Dan felt like he was being scolded by a parent for staying out late.

 

Dan did not like being told what to do. He did not like being made to feel bad for living his own life. He clenched his jaw and breathed in.

 

“I have to get ready.”

 

He pushed past Phil toward the bathroom and closed the door with a clear, sharp slam. Phil flinched at the sound of it, and as the sound echoed in his ears he couldn’t help but wonder if he’d imagined this entire conversation. It was just such a shock. A girlfriend. Out of absolutely nowhere.

 

He slumped onto the sofa, lost in his own thoughts while the sound of the shower provided background white noise.

 

_ Dan has a girlfriend. _

 

_ Dan has a girlfriend? _

 

_ Why would he not mention her even one time in six months? _

 

_ Oh god. And he said he wasn’t sure it was going anywhere “until recently.” _

 

_ It’s getting serious, then. _

 

_ Fuck. _

 

Phil felt physically sick.

 

He took a breath.  _ You’re just upset this girl is taking your friend away. That’s understandable. _ After all, he couldn’t count how many times one of his school friends would start dating and they wouldn’t hang out as much until the inevitable breakup. Phil suddenly felt childish.

 

_ It’ll be okay, _ he reassured himself.  _ This girl can’t replace me. I’m Dan’s best friend! I’ve got YEARS of seniority on her. He’ll always come to me to play games, make videos, and vent about how annoying his girlfriend’s weird girl-habits are. I won’t lose him. Not really. _

 

Phil breathed deeply, picturing calm waters and soft breezes, and straightened his posture.

 

He was composed. He was collected. He was fine.

 

***

 

Dan let the scalding water slice down his body, blaming the heat in his eyes on the shower. The tears? Eh, probably shampoo that got in his eye. He was sniffling a little bit. Maybe the perfume in this conditioner was aggravating his allergies.

 

He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t upset. He didn’t feel like his best friend - the one person who should be on his side at all times - had turned his back on him. He wasn’t embarrassed that he’d been so caught up in attention from Stephanie that he completely forgot even mentioning her to Phil.

 

And he  _ definitely _ wasn’t confused and frustrated by how disproportionately upset he and Phil both were.  _ Phil should be happy for me, _ he thought,  _ and I… I should be looking forward to seeing Stephanie tonight.  _

 

_ Shouldn’t I? _

 

***

 

_ What if Dan plays video games with her, too? _ Phil thought.  _ What if she does YouTube too, and moving in with her in a few months or a year is an easy decision for him? _

 

Having no knowledge about Dan’s girlfriend, Phil’s panicked mind was filling in the gaps with the worst scenario he could imagine: a replacement for him. Phil could imagine no worse fate than being replaced. He’d always felt very confident in his uniqueness. It was one of the things that made him feel like he was valuable. That he was worth something.

 

Dan always made him feel like he was worth something.

 

Dan made him feel like he didn’t have to try so hard to fit in, or to stand out for that matter. When he was next to Dan, working with him or talking with him, he felt like the two of them were the only two people who existed, and nothing else mattered. The truth was, he’d do anything for Dan. And on some level, he  _ was _ happy for him. But why did Dan need this girlfriend person? Why wasn’t Phil enough?

 

_ Ha ha, Phil, you’re starting to sound like you’re in love with the guy. _

 

Phil furrowed his brow. He turned his head in the direction of the bathroom.

 

The shower water stopped.

 

***

 

Dan stood, his hand on the tile in front of him, his eyes watching the drain as drops from his hair rained down onto it.

 

That’s all the water was. Just his hair dripping. Not tears. That’d be ridiculous.  _ Who cries about a silly fight with their best friend? Silly people, that’s who. Because it’s silly. _

 

_ But that’s not really why you’re crying, is it? You’re crying because you don’t want to face telling him the truth and him possibly freaking out and leaving you. _

 

_ You’re crying because you love him. _

 

After another minute, Dan’s breathing was finally starting to steady. The heat of the shower would explain his red, puffy eyes. It’d be fine.

 

He stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel to dry off. He swiped his hand across the foggy mirror and looked himself in the eye.

 

_ Stop kidding yourself, Dan, _ his reflection seemed to say.  _ You’re going out with a quirky dreamer of a girl with black hair, blue eyes, and pale skin tonight. Now why do you think you’d have gone and done that? _

 

_ Shut up, reflection. You’ve always been a dick to me. _

 

Dan defiantly turned to face away from the mirror while he towel-dried his hair.

 

***

 

Phil’s fist was still in mid-air, ready to knock on the door when Dan opened it and their eyes met.

 

“I’m sorry,” they both said.

 

After an awkward pause - something they hadn’t had in years now - Dan finally spoke.

 

“Look, I’m sorry for neglecting you. I got so distracted, and, I mean, you know how shit I am at interaction…”

 

“You’d never been bad at interacting with me, though,” Phil said with a frown.

 

“I really… I really am sorry.”

 

Phil nodded. “I’m sorry for… denying you the right to happiness, I guess. I mean… if you really like her, then… then I’m happy for you.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Really really.”

 

Dan smiled feebly and nodded. “Thanks, Phil.”

 

“So… what’s her name?” Phil didn’t really want to know. He didn’t want to know anything about her. Including the fact that she existed at all.

 

“Stephanie.”

 

Phil nodded. “Well… tell Stephanie if she ever breaks your heart, I’ll kill her.”

 

Dan smiled fondly. “Yes,  _ Dad. _ ”

 

“Oh god, don’t start with that,” Phil laughed, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall at any moment.

 

“I’m gonna go get dressed.”

 

Phil nodded as Dan headed into his room.

 

***

 

When Dan emerged, he looked breathtaking aside from his necktie not being tied yet. Clearly he was taking this Stephanie girl someplace very nice.

 

“Looking sharp!” he said. “You look like you’re gonna propose or something.”

 

Dan laughed. Phil found himself relieved that a marriage proposal was as ridiculous to Dan as it was to him. “God, could you imagine that?” Dan replied. “Suddenly dropping the girlfriend bomb on you  _ and _ getting engaged in a single night?”

 

Phil resisted the urge to just glare at Dan for a comment like that. “Well, you’ve hit me with one big surprise, why stop there?” is all he said in response.

 

Dan looked at the time on his phone. “Our reservation is for 7, so I’m gonna be out of here in about 15 minutes… there’s an Uber on the way. Oh, shit, Phil, can you tie this for me?” Dan held out the two ends of the tie draped around his collar.

 

“You know how to tie a tie, Dan.”

 

“Yeah but it looks much tidier if someone else does it and I want to look perfect.”

 

Phil grumpily climbed onto his feet and walked over to Dan.

 

“Fine, but you owe me.”

 

As Phil tied the necktie slowly and carefully, making sure it was as perfect as he could get it, Dan’s breathing was shallow.

 

“Someone’s nervous,” Phil said with a smirk.

 

“Well, I mean, yeah. She and I hardly ever see each other in person. How’s my breath, by the way?”

 

_ Ugh, that means you’re hoping to kiss her, doesn’t it? I really don’t want to imagine you kissing anyone else. Er, I mean. Anyone. Kissing anyone. _ “It’s fine.” Phil finished up the tie and looked up at Dan with a cold smile. “There you are. Perfect.”

 

“I’m so jealous of your eyes,” Dan said with a bit of a pout, the pre-date jitters making him even more insecure than usual. “I wish mine were as colorful as yours. Mine are like mud or something.”

 

Phil sighed and looked at Dan with sincere fondness. “Don’t be ridiculous, Dan. Your eyes are beautiful. You’re… you’re beautiful. Okay? Don’t be hard on yourself. If Stephanie sees half the beauty in you that I do, then… um. Yeah.” Phil stopped himself from continuing. He’d already said too much.

 

Dan suddenly felt as though a thousand butterflies were crowding into his stomach, getting trapped on the way down from his heart.

 

He suddenly didn’t want to leave.

 

“Thanks,” he said, his voice low and timid and unsure of how to proceed.

 

His phone buzzed and he saw that his Uber driver had arrived outside.

 

Dan regained his composure. “I gotta go. I’ll be back tonight.” He hesitated briefly. “I look okay, right?”

 

“You look better than okay.”

 

Dan smiled, his whole body tingling. “Thanks, Phil. I really… I really appreciate it.” He hesitated further, as though his eyes were magnetized to Phil’s and his feet suddenly forgot how to turn around and walk away.

 

Phil had to cut through the tension in the air. “Don’t forget to be back by midnight before your Uber turns back into a pumpkin!”

 

“Ha ha ha.”

 

***

 

“This place is… really nice, Dan,” Stephanie said, without smiling. “I’ve never been anywhere like this. Is my dress okay? I’m not underdressed, am I?”

 

Dan smiled at her reassuringly. “You look great, I promise.”

 

“It’s just I feel so out of place here.”

 

“You’re not! Trust me, if me and Phil can come to places like this, you can.” Dan was already looking at the menu, littered with dishes that had French names Dan couldn’t pronounce save for one or two of them. He had to admit that perhaps he’d tried a bit too hard to be impressive, and for what? Stephanie was clearly uncomfortable.

 

“We literally just sat down and that’s the third time you’ve mentioned Phil tonight,” Stephanie said, amused. She’d had a passing familiarity with Dan and Phil, the popular YouTubers and BBC1 hosts, including knowledge of how commonly they were shipped. When Dan first asked if she wanted to get coffee after they met buying oranges at Asda, she responded with neither yes or no but rather “Aren’t you dating that Phil guy though?”

 

“Sorry, I can stop if it bothers you.”

 

“No, honestly I think it’s endearing. So far, anyway. If you mention him too many times I might worry you’d rather be here with him instead of me.” She laughed, genuinely oblivious to how right she actually was.

 

Dan gave a nervous chuckle and asked for the best wine this restaurant had as soon as the waiter walked by.

 

***

 

Dan ran his hand up Stephanie’s leg, pushing her dress up. She moaned, spurring him on, kissing his lips feverishly.

 

The act of being intimate with Stephanie felt forbidden and wrong somehow, like he’d run away from home and was fucking someone his family disapproved of. Or like Stephanie was cheating on some imaginary husband.  _ Probably just because we mostly talk online, _ Dan thought.  _ Like how Phil and I only talked online at first. _

 

_ I wonder if he’s okay tonight. _

 

Dan blinked and shook off the Phil-related train of thought.

 

“You okay?” Stephanie said, noticing his hesitation

 

“Yeah, fine. Sorry, just… haven’t done this in awhile.”

 

“Don’t be nervous. It’s just me.”

 

Dan turned all his attention to his girlfriend -- why was it so weird to call her that all of a sudden? -- and pushed every thought of Phil away. He focused on the sounds Stephanie made, the feeling of her long nails in his hair, the scent of her, the softness of her skin.

 

“Mm, you taste like tiramisu,” she said with a smile.

 

Dan giggled. “Can’t wait to find out what you taste like.”

 

He kissed down her neck, moving down below her waist, her dress bunched up over her stomach.

 

He paused again, the memory of a drunk night with Phil invading the forefront of his mind unprompted.

 

“I wanna know what you taste like,” he’d said to Phil back then. 

 

Phil had stopped him though. “You’re drunk,” he’d said. “You’re always like this when you’ve had one too many, and I’m not gonna let you do something you’ll regret.”

 

Shit. There was Phil again, pushing his way into Dan’s thoughts.

 

Dan stopped himself and crawled back up on top of the black-haired girl, positioning himself right where he’d been before. He kissed her, and she was kind enough to kiss right back, not asking why he’d stopped. He opened his eyes while their kiss continued, hoping that seeing her face would stop Phil’s face from invading his mind again.

 

It wasn’t working.

 

Dan stopped kissing Stephanie and rested his forehead on hers. He closed his eyes.

 

“I’m… I’m so sorry. I can’t do this.”

 

“It’s okay! I’m nervous too, it’s fine.”

 

“No, it’s not that, Steph, it’s…”

 

Dan didn’t need to finish that sentence. She understood. 

 

She laughed mirthlessly. “Damn. I really did think for awhile that maybe, just maybe, everything I’d heard had been the fanciful dreams of fangirls, and nothing more.”

 

Dan sat up and sighed.

 

“Honestly?” he said, turning to look at her. “That’s what I thought to.”

 

Steph gave Dan a sad but understanding smile.

 

“Go on. Get outta here.”

 

Dan stood up, his shoulders rolled forward and his head tilted down slightly. “Um… I guess you probably don’t want to see me again.”

 

“Never.”

 

Dan didn’t respond with anything but a regretful face and a slow nod.

 

“This is gonna hurt like hell tomorrow,” Stephanie continued. “But right now? I’ll be damned if it isn’t pretty fucking cute.”

 

***

 

Dan paced back and forth outside his own apartment door, the cold London air freezing his hands, white breath circling around them as he tried to warm them up while he thought of what he was going to say to Phil.

 

He still hadn’t settled on the right words, but he just swung the door open and got his freezing cold self inside, hoping the words would come to him naturally.

 

“Phil?” he called, taking off his shoes and jacket by the door.

 

“You’re home!” Phil said. He sounded… excited?

 

Dan got to the lounge to find Phil standing in the middle of the room, gesturing theatrically at the banner hanging from the ceiling behind him.

 

“Ta-da!” Phil announced.

 

The banner said “Happy Valentine’s Day, Dan” in pink and red letters. A plate of heart-shaped sugar cookies sat on the middle of the coffee table, and little pieces of pink confetti were sprinkled all around it. Phil had found everything pink and soft that they owned and decorated the sofa with it all.

 

Dan smiled. “What’s all this?” he asked.

 

“Um, well, I was gonna just take it down at midnight if you weren’t back yet. I figured if you were out past midnight, the date was probably going pretty well. But if you came home early, I knew you might need cheering up because maybe it didn’t go so great, and I know it’s not much but--”

 

“I love you.”

 

Phil’s very wide eyes met Dan’s own. Dan quickly put a hand over his own mouth.

 

“Y--you… what?” came Phil’s shocked reply.

 

Dan nodded and let his hand slowly drop away, revealing a bright smile underneath. 

 

“I do. I love you.” Dan giggled deliriously, disbelieving what he was hearing himself say but also feeling like this truth was the greatest discovery of his life. “My God, Phil, I love you so much. I mentioned you at dinner like fifty times, and she was getting so annoyed with me, and when we went back to her place I couldn’t stop thinking about  _ you, _ and she dumped me because she could tell that if we went any further I would have probably said your name by accident, which would have made the night even more awkward than it already was so I’m really glad she kicked me out of her house before that could hap--”

 

“Are you gonna let me say I love you too or what?”

 

Dan froze for a split second before the warmth of what Phil had just said thawed him right back out.

 

“Please,” Dan said. “Please say it again.”

 

Phil approached his best friend, his greatest love, and gazed at him. His face was one of complete and utter peace and contentment. “I love you too,” he said.

 

Dan exhaled, realizing that his face had begun to hurt from smiling. “I know the last thing you need to hear is me apologizing to you again, but… I am sorry it took a date with another person for me to realize that after all these years, it’s only only ever been you for me. Fuck, Phil, why did it take so long for me to--”

 

Phil shook his head. “Don’t think about that. No regrets, okay? We’re here now. That’s all that matters.”

 

The flavor of Phil’s lips was the most delicious thing Dan tasted that night.

**Author's Note:**

> @deliriumzer0 on tumblr


End file.
